[Sniper is a term he's heard, and he's probably capable, except that above ground his eyesight might be lacking for the task. But that's just a problem in need of an invention to mitigate it. He'll keep that in mind. It might be a better use of his talents than what he's been doing. Or a mix of the two. His shielding was fairly effective up until the little bladed fish and the giant eels.
But yes, the second part of the conversation is what has Barcus' full attention, as well. He continues to lean close, listening to Gadriel patiently. Giving him time to speak.]
We were always taught that the world wants us dead, and we ought to make it as difficult as possible, on principle. Gnomes are small, and often frail, but we survive, and we endure. And when we sacrifice, it's so the rest of our kin can keep on enduring.
[He takes a deep breath and lets it out in a slow sigh.] It felt like finally being safe, for once in my life. I don't want to die and I definitely don't want to be buried under a cliff, but I wish I could feel that way again. Without scaring anyone.
[Gadriel has ideas about what could be done with Barcus's abilities, including using a spotter to paint targets for him, or remote detonations or...
...but that is stuff for another time. All he knows is that Barcus fought beside him, as fearlessly as any Brother. If the gnome had any doubts about his courage, he should have them no longer.]
If the world seeks to end you, the best you can do is make them buy your death at a high price. [That much, he understands and agrees with.
But he's also aware, starkly, suddenly, of his limitations, what he can and cannot allow himself to think. He releases his grip on Barcus, settling down and lowering the gnome to stand on the cuisses of his armor. ]
You think too much. 'Blessed is the mind too small for doubt' our Chaplain says. And also that thought breeds doubt and doubt breeds heresy. [So, he's probably doing some heresy right now!] I have no words that can comfort you. I do not even think I could think them. Where I am from, duty is all, and without duty we are nothing.
We are taught to be warriors, and nothing more. Our...our selves, our individuality, is in things like the honors we wear on our armor. [So this is really hard for him to wrap his mind around, but he's trying.
Without a war to fight, without brothers, well, everyone has seen Gadriel's meltdown.]
But you are more than just your duty. You are more than the things you invent. When I die, I will be remembered for the battles I fought. You, when you die [Please don't do that again, though.] will be remembered as you. More than just what you did, but who you were. You are more than what you do for others, Brother Barcus.
[Barcus' doubts tend to be more centered around his abilities than his courage. He's not confrontational by nature, but he's had to face a lot of terrifying things by now, and he's come through them with only a few new scars, none of which inhibit his daily activities. Deep gnomes are creatures of iron, or stone, or corundum. Tougher than they look, malleable under fire, cut into hundreds of gleaming facets.
When Gadriel says he thinks too much, Barcus can't help but laugh. He doesn't interrupt, but he smiles up at him, because yes, he's been accused of thinking too much before. Not in quite the way Gadriel means, perhaps, but it's not untoward criticism.
He sobers a little as Gadriel goes on, though, because the juxtaposition of duty is all and you are more than just your duty is fascinating, and a little heartbreaking. He reaches up as if to place a hand on Gadriel's cheek, but he can't reach that high, even from where he's standing, so he ends up patting his chest instead.]
I'm not going to try to argue you out of what you feel about yourself, or what you've been taught to be. But please know that I see you, not just your duty. Especially in moments like this, where you give me advice and care that you wouldn't begin to know how to take for yourself. That's generous, Sergeant. Brother.
I've expanded my circle of kin. You're part of it, and so are many others here. If I have to sacrifice for them, I will. I'm not afraid of that. But you're right. I want to be more than what I do for others.
[He quiets a moment, smiling again, because now they're right back to the discussion they had at the shibari workshop, and it's a little bit funny.] Hmh. I suppose intimacy blended with helplessness is the best way to go about it, without actually putting myself in physical danger.
[He can ask Bel or Ashton for kink, easily, anytime. The trick is that he couldn't say to them what he just told Gadriel, about how he felt about dying, or nearly-dying. That would be too much. That would hurt them.
Maybe it needs to be discussed, in time, but not right now. Not so soon after the emotional turmoil of the battle.]
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2025-06-02 12:34 pm (UTC)But yes, the second part of the conversation is what has Barcus' full attention, as well. He continues to lean close, listening to Gadriel patiently. Giving him time to speak.]
We were always taught that the world wants us dead, and we ought to make it as difficult as possible, on principle. Gnomes are small, and often frail, but we survive, and we endure. And when we sacrifice, it's so the rest of our kin can keep on enduring.
[He takes a deep breath and lets it out in a slow sigh.] It felt like finally being safe, for once in my life. I don't want to die and I definitely don't want to be buried under a cliff, but I wish I could feel that way again. Without scaring anyone.
no subject
Date: 2025-06-02 01:43 pm (UTC)...but that is stuff for another time. All he knows is that Barcus fought beside him, as fearlessly as any Brother. If the gnome had any doubts about his courage, he should have them no longer.]
If the world seeks to end you, the best you can do is make them buy your death at a high price. [That much, he understands and agrees with.
But he's also aware, starkly, suddenly, of his limitations, what he can and cannot allow himself to think. He releases his grip on Barcus, settling down and lowering the gnome to stand on the cuisses of his armor. ]
You think too much. 'Blessed is the mind too small for doubt' our Chaplain says. And also that thought breeds doubt and doubt breeds heresy. [So, he's probably doing some heresy right now!] I have no words that can comfort you. I do not even think I could think them. Where I am from, duty is all, and without duty we are nothing.
We are taught to be warriors, and nothing more. Our...our selves, our individuality, is in things like the honors we wear on our armor. [So this is really hard for him to wrap his mind around, but he's trying.
Without a war to fight, without brothers, well, everyone has seen Gadriel's meltdown.]
But you are more than just your duty. You are more than the things you invent. When I die, I will be remembered for the battles I fought. You, when you die [Please don't do that again, though.] will be remembered as you. More than just what you did, but who you were. You are more than what you do for others, Brother Barcus.
What can be done to give you that safety again?
no subject
Date: 2025-06-03 12:20 am (UTC)When Gadriel says he thinks too much, Barcus can't help but laugh. He doesn't interrupt, but he smiles up at him, because yes, he's been accused of thinking too much before. Not in quite the way Gadriel means, perhaps, but it's not untoward criticism.
He sobers a little as Gadriel goes on, though, because the juxtaposition of duty is all and you are more than just your duty is fascinating, and a little heartbreaking. He reaches up as if to place a hand on Gadriel's cheek, but he can't reach that high, even from where he's standing, so he ends up patting his chest instead.]
I'm not going to try to argue you out of what you feel about yourself, or what you've been taught to be. But please know that I see you, not just your duty. Especially in moments like this, where you give me advice and care that you wouldn't begin to know how to take for yourself. That's generous, Sergeant. Brother.
I've expanded my circle of kin. You're part of it, and so are many others here. If I have to sacrifice for them, I will. I'm not afraid of that. But you're right. I want to be more than what I do for others.
[He quiets a moment, smiling again, because now they're right back to the discussion they had at the shibari workshop, and it's a little bit funny.] Hmh. I suppose intimacy blended with helplessness is the best way to go about it, without actually putting myself in physical danger.
[He can ask Bel or Ashton for kink, easily, anytime. The trick is that he couldn't say to them what he just told Gadriel, about how he felt about dying, or nearly-dying. That would be too much. That would hurt them.
Maybe it needs to be discussed, in time, but not right now. Not so soon after the emotional turmoil of the battle.]