[ Dorian visibly relaxes at that. He figured that Ashton would have told Barcus, but a part of him still was a bit worried he’d be informing the gnome for the first time, and he’d hate to do that to either him or Ashton. ]
Yes, I… [ Hesitating for a moment, he then laughs and nods. ] I am. It’s… It’s been a while coming, I think. I know the three us needed to talk, and it wasn’t… exactly the way any of us imagined, but it still worked out.
But I just… wanted to make sure. [ He looks at Barcus with a tilt of his head. ] I know Ashton said that the two of you weren’t exclusive, but I remember you feeling a little awkward around Orym, given how long we’ve all known each other. So I just… wanted to make sure you were okay with all this.
[ Because knowing that he needed the reassurance from both Orym and Ashton for something similar, he wanted to make sure Barcus had the same as well. ]
[Okay, no, this is very sweet, to come and check in on Barcus like this. He regards Dorian fondly for a moment. Always the one reaching out and playing peacemaker.]
You're a good man, Dorian.
[This level of sincerity demands an equally sincere response, so Barcus quiets for a moment, sorting through his own feelings and trying to put them into words. No, this is not a surprising development. He saw it coming before he and Ashton ever got together, if he's honest with himself. That doesn't make it entirely painless, though.]
There's some conflict between my head and my heart, I suppose.
[He reaches for the teapot and pours a cup for each of them, at last.] I fully expected this to happen between the three of you sooner or later. I would say I stepped into the relationship with Ashton knowing exactly what I was getting into.
As I told them once, it's important to me that they be surrounded by love. They deserve that. All three of you deserve that. Each of you is beautiful, and worthy, and I wish you all the joy in the world.
So there's that, but against all rationality and my own better nature, I can't help but feel I'm not enough. I think that's more my problem than any of yours, but I don't want to be dishonest. That, plus the knowledge that we're from different worlds and there's a high chance of us being separated some day, with no recourse save whatever solution I can come up with...
I don't know. I have been, for a long long time, desperately lonely. It's a hard habit to break.
[ Dorian can’t help flushing slightly at the compliment. It surprises him, even now, when people think so, given the many mistakes he’s made and continues to make. He can only hope he can live up to people’s view of him. He’d hate to disappoint them.
But as Barcus admits his feelings, Dorian nods in understanding. This is exactly why he wanted to talk to the gnome, because he understands these feelings quite well. Reaching out, he gently places his hand on Barcus’ arm. ]
I know what that’s like. I felt that same kind of loneliness, growing up, and that same worry of not being enough. For Orym, for Ashton… for my family, or anyone. I had similar worries, when we decided all this, that I might get… somehow left behind. Even if we said we were all together, a part of me was still afraid that Orym and Ashton wouldn’t need me.
[ And it was hard to admit that to them. It was the fear that had been on his mind since realizing he also had feelings for Ashton, after hearing Orym admit that too. But he’d been scared to say it, even though he knew he had to.
And they had both assured him thah that wouldn’t be the case. That they all had each other, and would be there for one another.
And knowing that, Barcus deserved that too. ]
I know there isn’t anything I can say that can make that feeling - the feeling of not being enough - ever completely go away. And I know it’s especially difficult for you, since we are from different worlds. But I’m learning, more and more, that it does help to talk about when you’re feeling that way. I know Ashton would want to know, because they care a lot about you, and would hate that you felt you had to take on those feelings on your own.
And… well, like I said, I do understand how that feels. So if you ever want to… you can at least talk to me about it. I hope I can help make you feel as comfortable with all this as I can.
Edited (Sorry I hit send too early orz) Date: 2025-05-02 03:09 am (UTC)
[Barcus goes still at the touch, leaning into it subtly. Whatever Dorian's mistakes might be, Barcus hasn't missed the fact that he keeps checking on him. It's a sign of a tender nature, if nothing else, he thinks.
Or perhaps a feeling of kinship. How could Barcus not fear being left behind? After all he went through with Wulbren, after being treated like a nuisance--and maybe he is too clingy sometimes, even now. Worries about losing the regard and care of his friends, his lovers. Worries he's fooling himself to even think they want him around the way he wants them.
But Ashton doesn't just up and tell people he loves them for no reason. Maybe the fact that they were in danger of immediate, painful death pushed the issue a little, that's all--
Okay, he's overthinking.
He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.] I'm not clear on where I stand with you or Orym, in all honesty. The workshop was fun. I enjoyed it very much, but I was deathly afraid of overstepping the whole time. The three of you have had the security of knowing you were all close friends, comrades in arms, on a level I haven't had a chance to be with anyone. I never got the impression any of you disliked me, but I'm not sure its fair to any of us for me to just be Ashton's other boyfriend that comes around once in a while to interrupt us.
I'd never demand romance, obviously, that would be crass, and greedy. I just need to know where I belong.
[ Dorian is quiet for a moment, turning the words over in his mind. ]
Well… I can’t speak for Orym, but honestly? I quite enjoy your company. The workshop… I enjoyed it too, more than I expected. [ He gives Barcus a small smile. ] But I’m not that comfortable with just anyone. I trust you a great deal, Barcus. I hope you know that.
And, at least on my end, I value you as a close friend, and I would be happy to have you spend more time with us, whether as a group or individually.
[ And… well, who knows? He’s already surprised himself with his feelings for Ashton. Who knows what else might happen? ]
[Barcus nods gently, watching Dorian's face.] That's more or less what I thought you would say. A resounding maybe.
Believe me, I value your trust and your friendship. I do. Orym's too. We're all friends. But I'm not your friend the way the rest of Bell's Hells might be, if they were all here. I haven't fought with you, sacrificed the way you have, for the cause you set out on.
I can't match you. I just...can't. There's no catching up to that history.
And maybe whatever's ahead of us will mean enough to make up for that, or maybe it won't. Maybe all I can be is... [The comforting, homemaking damsel in distress, like he said to Melinoë the other day. He picks up the cup of tea that's cooling on the table beside him and takes a sip.]
Maybe all I can do is show up, and be here for the three of you. [As the goddess said.] And hope even if it's not enough, at least it's something.
So. I suppose that's what I'm doing, and how I feel about it.
[ Dorian releases a slow breath, because don’t those words ring familiar? ]
…would you believe me when I say that I’d said pretty much the same to Orym and Ashton? [ Beside him, Cyrus trills softly, and Dorian gently strokes the dragon’s back. ] That feeling of missing out, of not being able to catch up with what they’ve been through. I’ve been there, Barcus. Hells, I’m still there. As much as they consider me part of the group, there were so many things that they went through that I wasn’t there for. As much as they can tell me about them, I’ll never be able to understand their experiences.
But that doesn’t make what any of us have had here less meaningful, does it? [ The words come out slowly, as if he’s trying to determine that himself. ] The truth is, I’ve gotten more time with them, gotten to know Ashton better and spend time with Orym, here in this place than I had gotten back home. And we got to meet you, get to know you. And Ashton even fell in love with you. That’s not an insignificant thing.
Maybe we can never catch up to what they’ve been through, but maybe that’s not the right way to approach it. Maybe it’s not about catching up, but just… making the most of what we do have. It might not be the same, but it doesn’t have to be. I can’t make up for the time I lost with them, but I can enjoy making these new memories with them.
And maybe you aren’t our friend the way Bells Hells are friends… but you don’t have to be. The four of us have something unique here, and that’s still special. It is to me, and I’m sure it is to Ashton and even Orym. Of course we miss our friends back home… but having people like you makes it much easier.
[There's a long pause before Barcus says anything else. Dorian's right, and it's good to hear he understands, downright heartwarming. It means a lot, and the last thing he wants to do is push away the care, and the courage it cost Dorian to even start this conversation.
It doesn't actually resolve anything, because this isn't something that can be talked away in a single day. If anything, it has to be waited out, until reality can demonstrate to Barcus that his worries are unfounded, or heal the wounds he's been carefully keeping covered.]
For what it's worth... [Barcus says softly.] I'd feel exactly the same whether the three of you got together romantically or not. I truly mean it when I say I don't want my feelings to get in the way. Which is why I don't bring it up to Ashton. I want them to be happy. I want all of you to be happy.
I don't have anyone back home. [He takes a shaky breath and presses the heels of his hands together.] I mean...Thulla would probably throw something at me if she heard me talk like this, I think she cares, but it's not the same. It's not enough. I have to lead them, the Ironhands. And I'm a latecomer to their ranks in the first place. They respect me and I suppose some of them like me but if I vanished for good, they'd move on easily enough. I have people I'm responsible for, and an ex-lover who'd happily kill me if I didn't have countermeasures in place to neutralize him. [And maybe if Zanner had more time for him, that would be something. But Zanner has a lot of his own healing to do.]
Being here just keeps driving it home how much I've lacked. [Hence his meltdown when presented with gifts at the recent celebration.]
I feel like I'm not even the same person. It hurts. And sometimes I'm so gods-damned angry about it, I-- [Another pause, another breath. Herein is, perhaps, a parallel between himself and Ashton that's buried so deep neither of them has noticed. Fear of abandonment, anger because they both know deep down they didn't deserve to be abandoned in the first place, but can't wrap their heads around that, and can't be sure it won't happen again.]
I'm trying. And...thank you for this. It does mean a lot, and I...I hope you'll feel more connected as time goes on, as well. [He reaches for Dorian's hand, concern written on his face, but his own hands are a little shaky.] I'm trying but I don't know how to feel any differently.
[ Dorian nods, understanding that as well. He knows the feelings don’t go away immediately - even now, after talking with Orym and Ashton, some of the doubt still lingers in the back of his mind. There’s no easy way to fix it, especially with as deep-seated those feelings of loneliness and abandonment are, in Barcus’ case.
So he takes Barcus’ hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. ] Thank you. It just takes time, I think. Maybe it’s something we can work on together.
[ At the very least, they’d be able to support one another in some of their lonelier moments. ]
I do still think you should say something to Ashton. Everyone I’ve talked to notes that communication is very important, especially with relationships like these. [ He pauses a moment, thinking back on advice he’d received before. ] I know you’re worried about getting in the way of Ashton’s happiness… but don’t forget that you make them happy too. And if they knew that you were hurting like this, and you never told them… wouldn’t that hurt them more?
[ Then he gives Barcus’ hand another squeeze. ] I’m not trying to force you to say anything, of course. Just… think about it. You deserve happiness just as much as any of us, and it’s hard to do that when you’re suffering in silence.
[It's a conversation that needed to be had, and probably one that will need to be had again, unfortunately. At the moment, though, it feels like a scab has been ripped off a wound and Barcus can all but feel himself bleeding. He holds onto Dorian's hand a moment, then lets go carefully, folding both hands in his lap.]
I wouldn't even know where to begin. [His gaze strays across the room to the workshop doorway, where Satchel has appeared and rolled onto her side to bathe her front paws lazily. Probably sensed snacks. Or maybe she just chose an appropriate moment to come in and attempt to be distracting.]
Ashton knows I don't want to leave Caldera. Caught me having a rough moment at the celebrations, although I didn't really...explain. Bel knows, too. What else am I supposed to say? That I'm just now realizing I've been alone and miserable for years and years and I don't know what to do about it?
[ Dorian lets Barcus draw his hand back, but he can’t help a frown as he watches the gnome. Then he scoots around the table to sit closer to him, close enough to almost be touching but still giving Barcus some space, an offer for a hug or someone to lean against if he wanted without crowding him too much. ]
Sometimes we don’t realize just how lonely we’ve been until we’ve had people to fill that void. It’s easy to let ourselves go numb, but once we find those people that we care about and want to care for, it’s hard to go back to the way things were.
[ At least, that’s been his experience since leaving home, and making friends for the first time and realizing just how alone he’d been in the Squall. ]
All I can really say is just… speak from your heart. Remind Ashton how much you love them, and that you want to them to be happy. And then… just be honest.
[ A pause, and then he laughs faintly. ]
It’s both the easiest and the hardest thing in the world to do.
[The gnome's gaze remains resolutely on his cat for a few moments. Satchel, for her part, doesn't seem to mind one way or another, lost in her grooming. It's simple for her. When people are there, she takes the attention she wants without worrying whether her demands make them like her less. When they're out and about, she naps or finds something else to occupy her, and as far as Barcus can tell she's never questioned what she'll do if they never come back.
It's a pity changing into an animal shape can't give you the mind of an animal. He's already tried.
Gradually, he leans against Dorian, still without looking at him, but clearly aware of his proximity and the silent offer he's making.] I don't want to talk about it. I don't like talking about it.
Talking about things makes them real. I've never actually seen it fix anything.
[ Dorian’s frown deepens, as he wraps an arm around the gnome’s shoulders and gently holding him against his side. ]
Those feelings are already real. You’re already feeling them.
If you never talked about how you’re feeling, and nothing else you’ve done has ever helped change things… then maybe talking about them is the different thing you have to finally change things.
I have tried before. [He sighs, gradually curling up tighter, but letting Dorian hold him, which makes for mixed physical signals.] And got told I was being melodramatic, more often than not. Or clingy. Or childish.
You'd be surprised how many emotions just go away if you ignore them for long enough. Is that ill-advised? Absolutely. But when you've got no one who really wants to hear you out, it's the most efficient course of action. [Course of inaction? Whatever.]
And it gets to be a habit, or an expectation. Or both. You're going to tell me things are different now, Ashton's different, Bel's different, I have other friends, and you're not wrong, but it's all far easier said than done.
[ Dorian chuckles softly, gently running his hand along Barcus’ arm in what he hopes is a soothing gesture. ]
Honestly? Both those things are true. Things are different for you here. You already know that. But you’re right, it is far easier said than done.
[ He doesn’t mean to keep comparing their experiences, it’s not a competition, and he doesn’t want Barcus to think he keeps inserting his own pain into the conversation. But he wonders if it was a good thing after all that he’s taking to Barcus about this, with how similar things feel. Because Dorian knows exactly what the gnome means, having to ignore and suppress emotions when you have no other way to deal with them.
It’s what he’s done all his life, and why it had been so hard to even talk to Orym and Ashton about… anything in the first place. And while it did help to finally let go of that tight lid he had on his emotions, getting to that point had been the most difficult step.
And he knows that continuing to say these things isn’t going to help. Even now, he feels that the advice is past the point of being received, and if he keeps pushing Barcus might shut him out completely. So instead he gently squeezes Barcus against his side. ]
I won’t force you to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with. But just consider it… okay? And maybe, if you ever wanted to, you can talk to me about how you’re feeling? Since we’ve gotten this far already, at least.
[ He can’t help frowning at that, though, thinking that sounds a bit arrogant. ] If you feel comfortable with that, I mean. Or maybe you can borrow Cyrus, if you want. [ The sky dragon lifts his head at the mention of him. ] He’s a pretty good listener.
[ It was only partly a joke, an awkward attempt to try and lighten the tension. But he had a feeling Cyrus wouldn’t mind spending time and listening to Barcus if he wanted. ]
[He's trying, but at this point Barcus just feels stuck and exhausted. Even if all Dorian's saying is talk to Ashton about how you feel, to the gnome it feels like a tremendous undertaking. A risk, with a lot of work attached in the form of slowly unpacking everything he knows about himself, examining it, and putting it back in some semblance of order. He can't face it right now. Dorian's right to call a halt; he's right at the edge of feeling attacked rather than encouraged.]
I'm considering it. [That's...about all he has to give at the moment. Still, the contact is helpful, and after a few breaths, he starts to relax, gradually slumping into him.]
Sometimes I talk to Satchel. [He admits.] Well. I always talk to Satchel, just usually not about myself. About projects. Or the fact that she needs to learn that she doesn't get treats every time I stand up and go to the pantry.
[Every now and again something slips out. Although the fact that it's so rare for him to vent to his cat says something about how tricky it can be to get him to open up beyond a superficial "this is an unfortunate situation, but I'll be fine".]
[ Dorian nods, hugging Barcus a little closer to him and gently rubbing his back. ] All right.
[ It really is all he can ask for at this point. And he knows he doesn’t have any room to talk, considering how long it took him to actually talk about his own feelings. He knows how hard it is, and that these things take time. All he can do is offer his support wherever he can.
He can’t help a soft chuckle as he glances over to where he’d seen Barcus’ cat. ] I find animal companions are great at listening except when it comes to food.
[ A certain monkey fire spirit comes to mind, though in all fairness Mister never really needed to listen to him.
He lets the silence settle over them for a moment, before he clears his throat, a bit awkwardly. ]
There was… something else I wanted to talk with you about. Not quite as heavy or serious as the previous subject but… if you’re not in the mood I can always leave it for another time.
[ He’d understand if Barcus would prefer to be alone right now. And honestly, the anxious part of him worries that he might have just made things worse instead of better. ]
I never really had any pets before. They don't allow dogs in the part of the city I was living in. Can't remember why. I could have had a cat, I suppose. Just didn't. [Dorian may notice, despite the verbal tension resolving only slowly, that Barcus is relaxing fast under the physical contact, going slack against his side like a marionette whose strings have been cut. Whatever's going on in his head, at least he's capable of accepting this type of affection.]
But there was a hairless cat in the Last Light Inn. His Majesty. He rather sold me on animal companions.
Anyway...um. Yes? What is it? I can...I can talk. About other things.
I didn’t really have any animals growing up either. Our home wasn’t really suitable for most animals.
Cyrus, my brother, did have a pet rock for a while, though. That he… somehow managed to let die.
[ If anyone ever asked what kind of person Cyrus was, Dorian would lead with that his brother was a good, kind person. Then he would follow up with that. ]
Well, um… you have that gem manipulation ability, right?
[ Dorian laughs, even as he feels the familiar ache in his chest whenever he talks about his brother now. Beside him, Cyrus perks up, a soft, sympathetic trill rumbling from him as he rubs his head against Dorian’s side. ]
I honestly don’t remember, I was pretty little and it was a long time ago. He might have broken it in half? In any case, he was very upset when Rocky died.
[ A rock named Rocky… easy to see who inherited all the creativity. ]
Ah, no actually, I… I actually have it now myself, and I was wondering if you would help me with it. I’ll admit I’m… not entirely sure what I’m doing.
[ As someone born of the wind, rocks and minerals weren’t exactly his domain. ]
...then you just have two of them. [Barcus is mystified, here!
But that's not the matter at hand. He watches Cyrus for a second, wondering if having an empathic dragon as a constant companion would be good for him, or the worst possible thing.
Glancing back up at Dorian, he sighs and straightens, sitting up again and brushing off his tunic unnecessarily.] Well go on, then. Tell me about the project.
[Barcus looks at him blankly for a moment before it clicks.] You...oh. OH! You mean you obtained the ability from Terra? I thought you meant you had something with you that needed to be worked on.
[This is probably a reasonable diversion, but Barcus' focus isn't exactly what it should be, evidently.]
Of course! I'm happy to help with that. Let me...mm, you'll have an easier time starting from an existing crystal, hold on. [And just like that, he's on his feet and off like a shot, headed for the workshop.]
[ Dorian nods. ] Well, from Cordelia technically, but yes. I have some spells that require gemstones for material components, so I figured it would be useful, but I also wanted to see what else I could do with it.
[ His mind thinks to Ashton in his Titan form, and the moment that they had pretty much turned into a diamond, invulnerable to any attack.
As Barcus heads off, Dorian gets to his feet to follow him, though he doesn’t quite enter the workshop. ]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2025-05-02 02:16 am (UTC)Yes, I… [ Hesitating for a moment, he then laughs and nods. ] I am. It’s… It’s been a while coming, I think. I know the three us needed to talk, and it wasn’t… exactly the way any of us imagined, but it still worked out.
But I just… wanted to make sure. [ He looks at Barcus with a tilt of his head. ] I know Ashton said that the two of you weren’t exclusive, but I remember you feeling a little awkward around Orym, given how long we’ve all known each other. So I just… wanted to make sure you were okay with all this.
[ Because knowing that he needed the reassurance from both Orym and Ashton for something similar, he wanted to make sure Barcus had the same as well. ]
no subject
Date: 2025-05-02 02:40 am (UTC)You're a good man, Dorian.
[This level of sincerity demands an equally sincere response, so Barcus quiets for a moment, sorting through his own feelings and trying to put them into words. No, this is not a surprising development. He saw it coming before he and Ashton ever got together, if he's honest with himself. That doesn't make it entirely painless, though.]
There's some conflict between my head and my heart, I suppose.
[He reaches for the teapot and pours a cup for each of them, at last.] I fully expected this to happen between the three of you sooner or later. I would say I stepped into the relationship with Ashton knowing exactly what I was getting into.
As I told them once, it's important to me that they be surrounded by love. They deserve that. All three of you deserve that. Each of you is beautiful, and worthy, and I wish you all the joy in the world.
So there's that, but against all rationality and my own better nature, I can't help but feel I'm not enough. I think that's more my problem than any of yours, but I don't want to be dishonest. That, plus the knowledge that we're from different worlds and there's a high chance of us being separated some day, with no recourse save whatever solution I can come up with...
I don't know. I have been, for a long long time, desperately lonely. It's a hard habit to break.
no subject
Date: 2025-05-02 03:07 am (UTC)But as Barcus admits his feelings, Dorian nods in understanding. This is exactly why he wanted to talk to the gnome, because he understands these feelings quite well. Reaching out, he gently places his hand on Barcus’ arm. ]
I know what that’s like. I felt that same kind of loneliness, growing up, and that same worry of not being enough. For Orym, for Ashton… for my family, or anyone. I had similar worries, when we decided all this, that I might get… somehow left behind. Even if we said we were all together, a part of me was still afraid that Orym and Ashton wouldn’t need me.
[ And it was hard to admit that to them. It was the fear that had been on his mind since realizing he also had feelings for Ashton, after hearing Orym admit that too. But he’d been scared to say it, even though he knew he had to.
And they had both assured him thah that wouldn’t be the case. That they all had each other, and would be there for one another.
And knowing that, Barcus deserved that too. ]
I know there isn’t anything I can say that can make that feeling - the feeling of not being enough - ever completely go away. And I know it’s especially difficult for you, since we are from different worlds. But I’m learning, more and more, that it does help to talk about when you’re feeling that way. I know Ashton would want to know, because they care a lot about you, and would hate that you felt you had to take on those feelings on your own.
And… well, like I said, I do understand how that feels. So if you ever want to… you can at least talk to me about it. I hope I can help make you feel as comfortable with all this as I can.
no subject
Date: 2025-05-02 04:07 am (UTC)Or perhaps a feeling of kinship. How could Barcus not fear being left behind? After all he went through with Wulbren, after being treated like a nuisance--and maybe he is too clingy sometimes, even now. Worries about losing the regard and care of his friends, his lovers. Worries he's fooling himself to even think they want him around the way he wants them.
But Ashton doesn't just up and tell people he loves them for no reason. Maybe the fact that they were in danger of immediate, painful death pushed the issue a little, that's all--
Okay, he's overthinking.
He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.] I'm not clear on where I stand with you or Orym, in all honesty. The workshop was fun. I enjoyed it very much, but I was deathly afraid of overstepping the whole time. The three of you have had the security of knowing you were all close friends, comrades in arms, on a level I haven't had a chance to be with anyone. I never got the impression any of you disliked me, but I'm not sure its fair to any of us for me to just be Ashton's other boyfriend that comes around once in a while to interrupt us.
I'd never demand romance, obviously, that would be crass, and greedy. I just need to know where I belong.
no subject
Date: 2025-05-02 04:17 am (UTC)Well… I can’t speak for Orym, but honestly? I quite enjoy your company. The workshop… I enjoyed it too, more than I expected. [ He gives Barcus a small smile. ] But I’m not that comfortable with just anyone. I trust you a great deal, Barcus. I hope you know that.
And, at least on my end, I value you as a close friend, and I would be happy to have you spend more time with us, whether as a group or individually.
[ And… well, who knows? He’s already surprised himself with his feelings for Ashton. Who knows what else might happen? ]
no subject
Date: 2025-05-02 04:40 am (UTC)Believe me, I value your trust and your friendship. I do. Orym's too. We're all friends. But I'm not your friend the way the rest of Bell's Hells might be, if they were all here. I haven't fought with you, sacrificed the way you have, for the cause you set out on.
I can't match you. I just...can't. There's no catching up to that history.
And maybe whatever's ahead of us will mean enough to make up for that, or maybe it won't. Maybe all I can be is... [The comforting, homemaking damsel in distress, like he said to Melinoë the other day. He picks up the cup of tea that's cooling on the table beside him and takes a sip.]
Maybe all I can do is show up, and be here for the three of you. [As the goddess said.] And hope even if it's not enough, at least it's something.
So. I suppose that's what I'm doing, and how I feel about it.
no subject
Date: 2025-05-02 05:02 am (UTC)…would you believe me when I say that I’d said pretty much the same to Orym and Ashton? [ Beside him, Cyrus trills softly, and Dorian gently strokes the dragon’s back. ] That feeling of missing out, of not being able to catch up with what they’ve been through. I’ve been there, Barcus. Hells, I’m still there. As much as they consider me part of the group, there were so many things that they went through that I wasn’t there for. As much as they can tell me about them, I’ll never be able to understand their experiences.
But that doesn’t make what any of us have had here less meaningful, does it? [ The words come out slowly, as if he’s trying to determine that himself. ] The truth is, I’ve gotten more time with them, gotten to know Ashton better and spend time with Orym, here in this place than I had gotten back home. And we got to meet you, get to know you. And Ashton even fell in love with you. That’s not an insignificant thing.
Maybe we can never catch up to what they’ve been through, but maybe that’s not the right way to approach it. Maybe it’s not about catching up, but just… making the most of what we do have. It might not be the same, but it doesn’t have to be. I can’t make up for the time I lost with them, but I can enjoy making these new memories with them.
And maybe you aren’t our friend the way Bells Hells are friends… but you don’t have to be. The four of us have something unique here, and that’s still special. It is to me, and I’m sure it is to Ashton and even Orym. Of course we miss our friends back home… but having people like you makes it much easier.
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Date: 2025-05-02 02:43 pm (UTC)It doesn't actually resolve anything, because this isn't something that can be talked away in a single day. If anything, it has to be waited out, until reality can demonstrate to Barcus that his worries are unfounded, or heal the wounds he's been carefully keeping covered.]
For what it's worth... [Barcus says softly.] I'd feel exactly the same whether the three of you got together romantically or not. I truly mean it when I say I don't want my feelings to get in the way. Which is why I don't bring it up to Ashton. I want them to be happy. I want all of you to be happy.
I don't have anyone back home. [He takes a shaky breath and presses the heels of his hands together.] I mean...Thulla would probably throw something at me if she heard me talk like this, I think she cares, but it's not the same. It's not enough. I have to lead them, the Ironhands. And I'm a latecomer to their ranks in the first place. They respect me and I suppose some of them like me but if I vanished for good, they'd move on easily enough. I have people I'm responsible for, and an ex-lover who'd happily kill me if I didn't have countermeasures in place to neutralize him. [And maybe if Zanner had more time for him, that would be something. But Zanner has a lot of his own healing to do.]
Being here just keeps driving it home how much I've lacked. [Hence his meltdown when presented with gifts at the recent celebration.]
I feel like I'm not even the same person. It hurts. And sometimes I'm so gods-damned angry about it, I-- [Another pause, another breath. Herein is, perhaps, a parallel between himself and Ashton that's buried so deep neither of them has noticed. Fear of abandonment, anger because they both know deep down they didn't deserve to be abandoned in the first place, but can't wrap their heads around that, and can't be sure it won't happen again.]
I'm trying. And...thank you for this. It does mean a lot, and I...I hope you'll feel more connected as time goes on, as well. [He reaches for Dorian's hand, concern written on his face, but his own hands are a little shaky.] I'm trying but I don't know how to feel any differently.
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Date: 2025-05-02 08:29 pm (UTC)So he takes Barcus’ hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. ] Thank you. It just takes time, I think. Maybe it’s something we can work on together.
[ At the very least, they’d be able to support one another in some of their lonelier moments. ]
I do still think you should say something to Ashton. Everyone I’ve talked to notes that communication is very important, especially with relationships like these. [ He pauses a moment, thinking back on advice he’d received before. ] I know you’re worried about getting in the way of Ashton’s happiness… but don’t forget that you make them happy too. And if they knew that you were hurting like this, and you never told them… wouldn’t that hurt them more?
[ Then he gives Barcus’ hand another squeeze. ] I’m not trying to force you to say anything, of course. Just… think about it. You deserve happiness just as much as any of us, and it’s hard to do that when you’re suffering in silence.
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Date: 2025-05-02 09:54 pm (UTC)I wouldn't even know where to begin. [His gaze strays across the room to the workshop doorway, where Satchel has appeared and rolled onto her side to bathe her front paws lazily. Probably sensed snacks. Or maybe she just chose an appropriate moment to come in and attempt to be distracting.]
Ashton knows I don't want to leave Caldera. Caught me having a rough moment at the celebrations, although I didn't really...explain. Bel knows, too. What else am I supposed to say? That I'm just now realizing I've been alone and miserable for years and years and I don't know what to do about it?
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Date: 2025-05-02 10:28 pm (UTC)Sometimes we don’t realize just how lonely we’ve been until we’ve had people to fill that void. It’s easy to let ourselves go numb, but once we find those people that we care about and want to care for, it’s hard to go back to the way things were.
[ At least, that’s been his experience since leaving home, and making friends for the first time and realizing just how alone he’d been in the Squall. ]
All I can really say is just… speak from your heart. Remind Ashton how much you love them, and that you want to them to be happy. And then… just be honest.
[ A pause, and then he laughs faintly. ]
It’s both the easiest and the hardest thing in the world to do.
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Date: 2025-05-04 08:44 pm (UTC)It's a pity changing into an animal shape can't give you the mind of an animal. He's already tried.
Gradually, he leans against Dorian, still without looking at him, but clearly aware of his proximity and the silent offer he's making.] I don't want to talk about it. I don't like talking about it.
Talking about things makes them real. I've never actually seen it fix anything.
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Date: 2025-05-04 09:35 pm (UTC)Those feelings are already real. You’re already feeling them.
If you never talked about how you’re feeling, and nothing else you’ve done has ever helped change things… then maybe talking about them is the different thing you have to finally change things.
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Date: 2025-05-05 04:49 am (UTC)You'd be surprised how many emotions just go away if you ignore them for long enough. Is that ill-advised? Absolutely. But when you've got no one who really wants to hear you out, it's the most efficient course of action. [Course of inaction? Whatever.]
And it gets to be a habit, or an expectation. Or both. You're going to tell me things are different now, Ashton's different, Bel's different, I have other friends, and you're not wrong, but it's all far easier said than done.
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Date: 2025-05-05 05:32 am (UTC)Honestly? Both those things are true. Things are different for you here. You already know that. But you’re right, it is far easier said than done.
[ He doesn’t mean to keep comparing their experiences, it’s not a competition, and he doesn’t want Barcus to think he keeps inserting his own pain into the conversation. But he wonders if it was a good thing after all that he’s taking to Barcus about this, with how similar things feel. Because Dorian knows exactly what the gnome means, having to ignore and suppress emotions when you have no other way to deal with them.
It’s what he’s done all his life, and why it had been so hard to even talk to Orym and Ashton about… anything in the first place. And while it did help to finally let go of that tight lid he had on his emotions, getting to that point had been the most difficult step.
And he knows that continuing to say these things isn’t going to help. Even now, he feels that the advice is past the point of being received, and if he keeps pushing Barcus might shut him out completely. So instead he gently squeezes Barcus against his side. ]
I won’t force you to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with. But just consider it… okay? And maybe, if you ever wanted to, you can talk to me about how you’re feeling? Since we’ve gotten this far already, at least.
[ He can’t help frowning at that, though, thinking that sounds a bit arrogant. ] If you feel comfortable with that, I mean. Or maybe you can borrow Cyrus, if you want. [ The sky dragon lifts his head at the mention of him. ] He’s a pretty good listener.
[ It was only partly a joke, an awkward attempt to try and lighten the tension. But he had a feeling Cyrus wouldn’t mind spending time and listening to Barcus if he wanted. ]
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Date: 2025-05-06 12:31 pm (UTC)I'm considering it. [That's...about all he has to give at the moment. Still, the contact is helpful, and after a few breaths, he starts to relax, gradually slumping into him.]
Sometimes I talk to Satchel. [He admits.] Well. I always talk to Satchel, just usually not about myself. About projects. Or the fact that she needs to learn that she doesn't get treats every time I stand up and go to the pantry.
[Every now and again something slips out. Although the fact that it's so rare for him to vent to his cat says something about how tricky it can be to get him to open up beyond a superficial "this is an unfortunate situation, but I'll be fine".]
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Date: 2025-05-06 08:34 pm (UTC)[ It really is all he can ask for at this point. And he knows he doesn’t have any room to talk, considering how long it took him to actually talk about his own feelings. He knows how hard it is, and that these things take time. All he can do is offer his support wherever he can.
He can’t help a soft chuckle as he glances over to where he’d seen Barcus’ cat. ] I find animal companions are great at listening except when it comes to food.
[ A certain monkey fire spirit comes to mind, though in all fairness Mister never really needed to listen to him.
He lets the silence settle over them for a moment, before he clears his throat, a bit awkwardly. ]
There was… something else I wanted to talk with you about. Not quite as heavy or serious as the previous subject but… if you’re not in the mood I can always leave it for another time.
[ He’d understand if Barcus would prefer to be alone right now. And honestly, the anxious part of him worries that he might have just made things worse instead of better. ]
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Date: 2025-05-06 09:24 pm (UTC)But there was a hairless cat in the Last Light Inn. His Majesty. He rather sold me on animal companions.
Anyway...um. Yes? What is it? I can...I can talk. About other things.
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Date: 2025-05-06 11:18 pm (UTC)Cyrus, my brother, did have a pet rock for a while, though. That he… somehow managed to let die.
[ If anyone ever asked what kind of person Cyrus was, Dorian would lead with that his brother was a good, kind person. Then he would follow up with that. ]
Well, um… you have that gem manipulation ability, right?
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Date: 2025-05-07 01:01 am (UTC)...yes, I do. Did you want me to make you something?
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Date: 2025-05-07 01:27 am (UTC)I honestly don’t remember, I was pretty little and it was a long time ago. He might have broken it in half? In any case, he was very upset when Rocky died.
[ A rock named Rocky… easy to see who inherited all the creativity. ]
Ah, no actually, I… I actually have it now myself, and I was wondering if you would help me with it. I’ll admit I’m… not entirely sure what I’m doing.
[ As someone born of the wind, rocks and minerals weren’t exactly his domain. ]
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Date: 2025-05-07 01:42 am (UTC)But that's not the matter at hand. He watches Cyrus for a second, wondering if having an empathic dragon as a constant companion would be good for him, or the worst possible thing.
Glancing back up at Dorian, he sighs and straightens, sitting up again and brushing off his tunic unnecessarily.] Well go on, then. Tell me about the project.
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Date: 2025-05-07 02:03 am (UTC)[ As a child, it kind of made sense that breaking a rock you were attached to would “kill” it. In that way that only makes sense to a child.
With a frown, Dorian shakes his head. ] There’s no project, exactly. I just meant practicing with it.
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Date: 2025-05-07 02:30 am (UTC)[This is probably a reasonable diversion, but Barcus' focus isn't exactly what it should be, evidently.]
Of course! I'm happy to help with that. Let me...mm, you'll have an easier time starting from an existing crystal, hold on. [And just like that, he's on his feet and off like a shot, headed for the workshop.]
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Date: 2025-05-07 03:13 am (UTC)[ His mind thinks to Ashton in his Titan form, and the moment that they had pretty much turned into a diamond, invulnerable to any attack.
As Barcus heads off, Dorian gets to his feet to follow him, though he doesn’t quite enter the workshop. ]
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